okay having a Sex Feelings Win. bc i recently had sex, and it was one of the types of encounters detailed on the "safe list" of my sex diary so the next day i wasn't like "omg omg omg that is so scary what does this mean about me and my relationship to my body?!?!?!" and instead i thought " :) " and thats about it. cool stuff out here guys. trauma healing ...........

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maintaining my streak of being unwilling to accept the wisdom of those i respect.

faking it until i make it:

i will be okay. i am okay. i am safe today and have myself to thank for that. grow now grow tomorrow. thank myself for the fact i am alive today. [something sacred]

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feeling something powerful and like a great relief in the recognition and knowledge that i will do anything to survive safely and live. i have that which a mother would have for their child, but for myself. my therapist keeps asking me about my "protector part" and i keep thinking i do not have one, but that is totally wrong. i am so grateful to know that i am my own mother, this can not be taken away from me. i am saying thank you, i forgive you, and i am proud of you to myself. i keep coming to the same conclusion over and over again only stronger. isn't it something sacred? i am not waiting to be saved, i am already alive at my own hand.