welcome to my overshare page hehehe

i have been journaling for many years and so because of this i know that i tend to drone on and on and on about all sorts of things, only some of which make any sense. also, i do not use autocorrect on my phone and can not be bothered to fix typos after i make them usually so they will just be there xoxo. this is somewhat of a memoir page and also just what i am thinking about. i hope you can gain something if you do read it and if you dont read it or gain anything i hope at least you feel that i love you! <3

30march.2025

for a couple of hour this morning i felt delirious, dissociated, and filled to the brim with existential dread. this is a way i feel on a regular basis and surely there is something "messed up" with me because i find these times to feel quite good generally, at least from a sensation standpoint. it is like free drugs. when i was still taking drugs, i preferred hallucinogens and deliriants to uppers or downers. what can i say, i just love nonsense. anywho, in my times where i feel like i did today, it is like im walking around cozy and safe and like god is telling me things, too. it is just pure comforting bliss. then the pressure changed when the storm clouds passed and the feeling went away. perhaps i enjoy it since dissociation is also something that my body does when i am in traumatic situations, so the feeling is associated with "i am safe in here, in my house, safe inside, safe inside my house" type thoughts/feelings.

i am grateful for self reflection, i am grateful for the passage of time, i am grateful every day that life changes. whenever i am provided, by life, an intersection where i have to decide to be the person others have been to me or the person i needed them to be, and i get to be kind, it is a blessing. i fucking love showing up for kindness and compassion and joy. i love joy. top one human experiences...i am calling joy greater than love perhaps? at least, for me.

26march.2025

my crush said she is worried bc i am burning the candle at both ends, in response to which, one of my besties said i am "burning the candle at ends [i] didn't even know existed" and unfortunately this is accurate. so, if at any point i seem short or distant with anyone this is why. the experience of re-explaining my trauma to almost everyone i know has been extremely degrading and i keep feeling like i can not do it anymore and then i have to do it more. i wish i was allowed to send everyone my therapist's phone number instead. i love minecraft tho. we persist and live to see another day.

24march.2025

changed my date format to the right way again. it is that time of year where my nose has turned into a god damnfaucet. this happens annually. i have been saying for so long that i would be a total showstopper to someone with a snot fetish, so if that is you now is your chance.

march 19.2025

left my bestie and my crush alone and my bestie asked "are you [pupdog01]'s girlfriend now?" which was equal parts wholesome and mortifying hehe. me and crush discussed it today and i was really proud of myself to be like "i hope so eventually, but im not ready for that yet, because i want to be patient and respectful" (amongst other things i just dont wanna litigate the convo on my flounder). the convo went really well and she seemed to be sooo receptive and love my advocacy which felt great! big moment for me: Mr. Jump In When I Know Better. i said a couple months ago that i feel like i gained temperance overnight and i stand by it ! feeling gratitude and joy. i love you all a lot !!!!!!!!

march 18.2025

i have nothing in particular to post today, but life has been behaving monumentally, so i felt inclined to post. i met a flounder friend irl recently! it was epic. sending all my love to the readers and posters and bots of flounder <3 xoxo

march 17.2025

lately, i feel i have been experiencing all of the human emotions daily. like, currently there is extremely awful shit occurring and also extremely incredible shit occurring so side by side that i can't even tell you about it articulately. it is totally bizarre. i am excited about it, though. this is what my mid-twenties is all about i think! i sure am doing it! gonna play some fucking bonkers shit at the experimental open mic this week, yay! also my special weekly club i host is this tomorrow!!!! fuck yes! i love joy!!!!!!

march 16.2025

holy cow long time no post flounder heads! im finally for on special medication for my special chronic illness yippee! medication stuff is weird and so it also is used as an antidepressant for some patients, so maybe i will become super human. life is so insane and chaotic rn. looking like i may lose my housing in april, which is making me go crazy bc if i have to be homeless again im gonna go ballistic. at least it is a beautiful day to be sober and away from my abuser. though, i am having to face the music every day that i did not escape that unscathed and am having to unpack all sorts of new trauma that jumbled in with all my old trauma. my new therapist is saving my life actually and if it were not for her i would be stuck in the same place i was for all of 2024. my friends are loving me soooo fucking good lately i can't believe it. i gave a stranger that i met on the sidewalk my car and car keys overnight bc it broke down outside of her house. she fixed it while my friends fed me and took me home. i have another crush. i have been loving having crushes lately. this one is cool and my besties keep calling her my girlfriend to tease me. there is a lot of joy hiding inside of the fear and misery lately. and outside of it. and not hiding at all. a really magnificent artist i saw featured at zuka arts guild (who i did not catch the name of). said "joy is not something you develop, joy is life" and she is right.

feb 26.2025

last night, i slept exceptionally well and had vivid, complex, and comforting dreams. i believe i developed temperance overnight. sending my love.