grey-asexual sex journey diary entry:

ok i have been exploring and grappling with my sexuality a lot these past several months. the age old traumatized ace's question(s) of: "could i develop a positive relationship to having sex, what would the point of that be, and would it be worth it?"

so far, i have tried several different types of things:

-sex with friends

-erotic not-strictly-sex encounters

-The Sex Club

-sex in dating

-stone topping

-getting to third base on the second date type hookup

i have found sex club and stone topping to feel more like Clocking Into The Sex Factory and not really horrible, closer to having a fun day with friends or a job well done, doesnt really make me horny and certainly won't make me cum. not necessarily scary in the way(s) intimate sex IS for me. could easily be replaced with going to a dance club or playing a board game and would be a lateral move. fun and fine.

sex with my friends is more doable than i thought it could me, just as emotionally risky as i thought it would be, and requires total discernment about the people and timing involved. this one i would describe as more erotic/enjoyable than the section above, but less scary than the scarier options. i probably still won't make a habit of it in life, and want to keep it very limited, but i am not as totally against it as i used to be.

sex in dating is a hard no. i think that one will take years to return to me. three long-term sexually violent relationships in a row spanning from 2020-2024 has taken that off the table for me and my conclusion is that i can not have a partner at this juncture unless they are also ace and completely okay with never not ever having sex with me. too scary.

getting to third base on the second date type hookup is fine. it is fun and i can like it, but it can easily set a bad precedent for my willingness or ability to continue that type of intimacy. and it can be a little scary. might not circle back to that one for a while, maybe not until i am interested in re-integrating sex and dating, which i suspect may take me a really really long time.

erotic not-strictly-sex encounters top tier and i will be pursuing seeking this in my life and what that will mean. this is the only one that actually feels like "sex" to me in the way i imagine "sex" is for other people. this is the one category of experience that i get proper enjoyment, relaxation, satisfaction, and safety out of. like, i clean your boots...thats the sex... we make eye contact and mean it...thats the sex...we balance rocks on each other...thats the sex...you ask me to hold your heavy bag for as long as i can manage...thats the sex. esoteric fetish where i have my pants on, thats the sex ... so far, this is where my sexual reclamation and ownership over my body has been synthesized. it isnt even scary! wow.

thanks for reading :)